Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
me as a parent
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.