Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

ㅤ

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

Cha-ching is my safe word

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.