Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

“you changed” bro i was 15

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

technique

Lube but for my dry humor.

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)