Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
What if all the cashiers are married?
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Dishonest mechanic?
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat