Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
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E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
best review i’ve ever seen
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
#NeverForget
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.