Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
True
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.