Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight