Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.

5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

Dead
Alive
Other✔

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.