Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

Ok, but like, how married are you?

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

🤣🤣

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

These are my emotional support Pringles.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it