Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
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I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger