Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
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I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
are they though??
#oldknees
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.