Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
You Might Also Like
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
i would wish you the best but i am the best
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
School be like
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?