Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
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Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke