Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
You Might Also Like
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Stop sending me this shit.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.