Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
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What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot