[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
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me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
wishing you and yours all the best
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money