[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
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if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Alexa turn off the planet
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
*seductively corrects your posture*
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?