[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher