santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
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My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
What happened to the other hiker??!
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale