santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
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For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
A little too much information.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.