Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

Mornin

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

I’m giving up for Lent.

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!