Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

Important reminders

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

Him: I need advice.

Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath