Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…