Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
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My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
This cat wants you to take your pills
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.