Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
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Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
A dad and his duck
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
