Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.