Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1631183896141529088/pu/vid/640x800/D-ZGASDtHlIItrRV.mp4?tag=12

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

Auto correct is my worst enema.

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”