Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

What do you text your spouse?

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

me:lmao I saw it on Twitter

them: what’s your Twitter

me: I don’t have Twitter

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea