Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
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My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
{family style dinner}
Cannibal: More Kevins please
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
(more comics:
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president