Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.