Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

As the Lord intended

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

found this cool rock hiking today

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

Challenge accepted.