Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
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I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**