Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.

Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?