Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.