Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

These aliens are taking forever.

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

This kid will have a bright future.

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian