Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
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*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Festive toon…
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
#ParentingFacts
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.