Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
You Might Also Like
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Unexpected Judgment
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
can’t talk my ride’s here
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”