Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
