SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
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me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
i want to work in this restaurant
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*