SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
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Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
No. YOU-buprofen.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Okey dokey.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.