Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.