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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.