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*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Monday
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
This poor dog
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Roses are red, you always mattered,
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.