My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
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if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Very problematic
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
2022 will be better than 2021