[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage
Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light
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Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
accidentally called the guy at the oil change place “mom”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.