Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.
Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage
Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light
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*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
*Ohio State coach*
Boys, I know how we’re gonna beat the Oregon Ducks
With our secret weapon
*pulls out a loaf of bread*
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I need several Ambuli stat!
Me: Yea plural for Ambulance
911: No its not
Me: It should be
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?
Me: Hey! Come back!