Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

I am having an out of money experience.

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.