Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
You Might Also Like
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
tinder is all about the long game
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
birds and squirrels envy us
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now