*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
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“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.