*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
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neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Velcrow
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
When can I start eating bats again.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.