*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
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*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
OMG 🤣🤣
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.