*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

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Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since


*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*


My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.


Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a “violent” stabbing incident? Is it possible to stab someone non-violently?


The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.


Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.


Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…


*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*