Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

That eye roll….

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

I put the I in Insufferable.

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company