Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

ㅤ

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

Jokes are like sex. It’s all about the buildup and at the end they laugh at you.

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille