Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers

Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

I know this now 😂

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you