Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.