Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
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In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.