Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh