Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?