Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker