Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
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“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.