Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
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Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.