Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
You Might Also Like
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.