Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????