Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.

Google: This actor is three years younger than you.

Me: …Oh. 💀

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.