SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
