SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

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me: my hot water doesn’t work

landlord: not my domain

firelord: nor mine

me: what

waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS

me: i-i do. My hot water doesn’t work

waterlord: oh shit for real? i’ll call the plumber


Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.


If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.


If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.


Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”


[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha


How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?


Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.


[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox