SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
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astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.