Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

This is so me 😂😂

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

ugh not again

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said