Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
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Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen