Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

My first child will be named New Folder.

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

ㅤ

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

Icarus loved hot wings.

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.