Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
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her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?