Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra